New Generation

Daughter: “Dad, I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me.
I am in Australia and he lives in the UK .
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype
and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber.
Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes.”

Father: “Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal.
And if you are fed up with your husband….sell him on Ebay”.

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Treatment For Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse was rather astounded and she asked “What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?”
The doctor replied, “Absolutely nothing for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs!

Posted in Humor, Jokes

One Man’s Choice

After a long day of playing golf and looking around the local Bass Pro shop, a couple of my friends and I stopped in at “Hooter’s” for some Hot Wings and drinks.
After being there for a while one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them “the one who knows how to fix elevators.”
“I’m old, I’m tired, and I pee a lot.”

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Rabbi and Priest

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replied,
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a ‘requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said,
“Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it

Posted in Humor, Jokes, Life Secrets

Linguists

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.
In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?
Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer.
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!
He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old Scotch.

Posted in Humor, Life Secrets

Heartbleed Sequel For Seniors

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. 
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that!)
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! (That too!)
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. (Yep!)
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Aha!)
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Well darn!)
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished. (Oh , no not again!) 
7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.”  (And I just hate that!)
8. Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.” (Oh No!)

IT’S CALLED THE “C-NILE VIRUS.” 

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Missing Wife Found

A story from Alaska!

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife”, said one of the troopers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?”, Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay ..”

“Oh my God!”, exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”

The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

Posted in Humor, Jokes