Proctologist

The colonoscopy candidate wondered if he would be receiving the whole treatment.

Romance

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text.

It read: ‘If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!’

The husband, being the typical non-romantic male, texted her back: ‘I am on the toilet. Please advise.’

Quickies

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, “

What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “a quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

Why is this a bad idea?

See answer…click here

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning,’ said the young man.
If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
Go away!” said the old lady. ”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. ”Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
Now if this vacum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

Medical Diagnosis

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:”I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says:”No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him:
“We’re medical students and couldn’t help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said,
“I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man said,  ”I thought it was GAS – but I was wrong, too!”

Incognito

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, ‘Hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he asks, ‘Do you know me?’
To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?’
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’