Coincidence

A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.”
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : “Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Hunting Accident

Lyle was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.
He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven.

“Vell Lyle , I got some good news and some bad news.
Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.
Da damage vas local to your groin, dere vas very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.

“What’s the bad news?”, asks Lyle.

“The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker.
I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena .”
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Lyle . “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.
And because all you have is Obamacare, she’s going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don’t piss in your eye.

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Old

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.

Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.

Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.

Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

Old professors never die, they just lose their class.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

Old investors never die, they just roll over.

Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor….

Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

Old students never die, they just get degraded.

Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

Posted in Humor, Jokes, Life Secrets

Wisdom Tooth

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!”, the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrogenous oxide tank, and the man said, “I can’t do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.”
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
“What are those?” He asked.
“Viagra,” she replied.
“I’ll be darned,” said the patient,
“I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” said the dentist,
“But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Very Clever Words

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians!!
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Facebook For Seniors

For those of the older generation (like me) who do not really comprehend the need for Facebook:

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do tomorrow.
Then, I give them pictures of my family, my dog, me gardening, and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations, and I tell them I love them.
And, it works.
I already have three persons following me … two police officers and a psychiatrist.

Posted in Humor, Jokes