A Pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued,
as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
“Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”
Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
“Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”
The entire congregation said,”Amen.”
Boudreaux, the smoothest talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.
His first assignment was in a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.
This was remarkable because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The officer decided he’d sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux’s sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, “If you has da normal GI insurance and you goes to Afghanistan and gets youself killed, da governmen’ pays you benefishery $20,000.
If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only tirty dollars a munt, den da governmen gots to pay you benefishery $400,000!”
“Now,” Boudreaux concluded, “which folks do you tink dey gonna send to Afghanistan first?”
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We’ve all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume & beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both are fatal.
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily — if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence:
“Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week”
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender:
‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five
The Board of Directors of the Company were called in to the chairman’s office one by one until only Jerry, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
He entered the office to find the chairman and the other eight directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Jerry and asked, “Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?”
“No, certainly not” Jerry replied.
“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.
“Absolutely; I’ve never laid a hand on her.”
“You’d swear to that?”
“Yes, I swear I’ve never slept with your secretary.”
“Good. Then you fire her.”
Daughter: “Dad, I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me.
I am in Australia and he lives in the UK .
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype
and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber.
Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes.”
Father: “Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal.
And if you are fed up with your husband….sell him on Ebay”.