Journalism

Bob, a young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times.
His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story.
An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.
Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there.
The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions.
Bob asked Farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Dick replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep.
We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”
“I can’t print that,” said Bob the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?”
Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost.
She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her.
After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.”
Again Bob knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack.
He asked Farmer Dick, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once”.

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Global Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard.

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Summer Holidays

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip.
I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson beers, draft please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
“Been on holiday yet, lads?”
“Off to England next month,” says John.
“We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles.
Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country, the history, the beer, the culture.”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John.
“Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim?
And we can’t stand the English—they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Memories

I remember the corned beef of my Childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the Children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The Children were seldom unhappy,
And the Wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn’t need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
Where biscuits for pennies were sold
Do you think I’m a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it….I’m just getting Old?

Bathing was done in a wash tub,
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone’s ‘duds’.

I remember the slap on my backside,
And the taste of soap if I swore
Anorexia and diets weren’t heard of
And we hadn’t much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.

Author, Unknown

Posted in Life Secrets

Irish

The Irish mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home…and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation…She never got your E-mail.”

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Coincidence

A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.”
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : “Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Posted in Humor, Jokes