Summer Holidays

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip.
I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson beers, draft please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
“Been on holiday yet, lads?”
“Off to England next month,” says John.
“We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles.
Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country, the history, the beer, the culture.”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John.
“Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim?
And we can’t stand the English—they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

Posted in Humor, Jokes


I remember the corned beef of my Childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the Children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The Children were seldom unhappy,
And the Wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn’t need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
Where biscuits for pennies were sold
Do you think I’m a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it….I’m just getting Old?

Bathing was done in a wash tub,
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone’s ‘duds’.

I remember the slap on my backside,
And the taste of soap if I swore
Anorexia and diets weren’t heard of
And we hadn’t much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.

Author, Unknown

Posted in Life Secrets


The Irish mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home…and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation…She never got your E-mail.”

Posted in Humor, Jokes


A farmer went to a local pub and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.”
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man. ‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

Posted in Humor, Jokes


Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : “Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Hunting Accident

Lyle was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.
He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven.

“Vell Lyle , I got some good news and some bad news.
Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.
Da damage vas local to your groin, dere vas very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.

“What’s the bad news?”, asks Lyle.

“The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker.
I’m going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena .”
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” says Lyle . “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly,” Sven says. “She’s a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.
And because all you have is Obamacare, she’s going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don’t piss in your eye.

Posted in Humor, Jokes


Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.

Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.

Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.

Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

Old professors never die, they just lose their class.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

Old investors never die, they just roll over.

Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor….

Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

Old students never die, they just get degraded.

Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

Posted in Humor, Jokes, Life Secrets