Vital Surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.” The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes” says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite counter tops.”

Posted in Jokes

Job Fair

I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing.
He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment”.
I was impressed.
On further inquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water……under his wife’s supervision.

Posted in Humor

Custody

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

Your Honor, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?

Posted in Life Secrets

Journalism

Bob, a young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times.
His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story.
An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.
Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there.
The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions.
Bob asked Farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Dick replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep.
We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”
“I can’t print that,” said Bob the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?”
Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost.
She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her.
After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.”
Again Bob knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack.
He asked Farmer Dick, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once”.

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Global Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard.

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Summer Holidays

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip.
I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson beers, draft please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
“Been on holiday yet, lads?”
“Off to England next month,” says John.
“We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles.
Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country, the history, the beer, the culture.”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John.
“Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim?
And we can’t stand the English—they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

Posted in Humor, Jokes

Memories

I remember the corned beef of my Childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the Children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The Children were seldom unhappy,
And the Wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn’t need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
Where biscuits for pennies were sold
Do you think I’m a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it….I’m just getting Old?

Bathing was done in a wash tub,
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone’s ‘duds’.

I remember the slap on my backside,
And the taste of soap if I swore
Anorexia and diets weren’t heard of
And we hadn’t much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.

Author, Unknown

Posted in Life Secrets